Last week I was lying awake at 3 AM again running through email conversations in my head, replaying a customer interaction, mentally reorganizing the inventory plan. My body was running on cortisol. My brain had no off switch.

And then Melinda said something that stopped me cold: “Your outer world follows your inner world every time, all the time.”

I’d spent years trying to fix everything out there, the processes, the team, the numbers, the systems. Not once had I asked what was happening in here. In my body. In my energy. In the state I was bringing to every single decision.

That’s when I realized the problem wasn’t my business. It was me.

The Story I Didn’t Know I Was Living

Remember in our last episode, we talked about the four boxes, employee, manager, CEO, shareholder? And how do most of us bounce between employee and manager, getting more exhausted with every launch?

That bouncing happens because we’re in what Melinda calls “by me” energy. If it’s got to be, it’s up to me. That mantra built my business. It got me here. But here’s the part nobody tells you: the same habit that built your store is the exact habit that’s burning you out.

Here’s what I didn’t understand: there’s a difference between force and flow.

In “by me,” I’m pushing. I’m forced. I’m white-knuckling my way through the day, convinced that effort equals results. I hit snooze, I’m already behind. My to-do list is so long I’m dabbling in everything, half-assing half of it, and I’ll have to come back to it all again next week. It’s a treadmill that never stops.

The stress chemicals, cortisol, and adrenaline are flooding my system all day long. And I thought that was proof I was working hard. Turns out, it was proof I was working scared.

The lesson: Your body doesn’t care if you’re pushing toward something you love. Stress is stress. And it’s slowing you down, not speeding you up.

What “Through Me” Energy Actually Looks Like

Melinda painted a picture for me that I’m still sitting with.

Same person. Same store. Same kids. Same chaos. But everything is different.

The night before, I’ve already prepped the three big things I need to do in the morning. Everything I need is ready. I don’t have to hunt for it.

I woke up five minutes earlier. Before my feet hit the floor, I lie there and run through gratitudes. Not because I’m positive all the time. Because I’m deliberately, intentionally flooding my body with the good chemicals. Oxytocin. Dopamine. Endorphins. The feel-good stuff. I’m still active. Still doing all the tasks. But I’m doing them from a different state.

After my shower, I take 20 seconds and thank my body for being healthy, for carrying me through this day. After dropping the kids off, I get to my store. I do one task. Then the next. Then the next. I’m not behind the eight ball. I’m not frantic. I’m actually present.

And here’s the weird part: things go faster. I have more ideas. People call me out of the blue with exactly what I need. Opportunities show up that I wouldn’t have seen if I was too stressed to notice them.

That’s not luck. That’s neuroscience. That’s what happens when your inner world is aligned instead of fractured.

Melinda shared a story about one of her clients. He was walking his dog every morning, but he was holding the leash in one hand and scrolling his phone in the other. The dog was frantic. He was distracted. He rarely got what he needed from it. One day he decided: for the next 10 minutes, I’m just going to walk the dog. No phone. No multitasking.

He began to notice the breeze. He heard the sounds. He felt his own heartbeat and his breath. The dog calmed down. He actually enjoyed it. It became a walking meditation and he’s not even a meditating person. And when he got back, he was so filled up that he blew through his work emails faster and more effectively than ever before.

The lesson: Through me isn’t about doing less. It’s about being different while you’re doing it.

The Calibrated Loop: Your Way Out of the Rut

Melinda showed me a visual that changed everything. She calls it the calibration loop. It looks like a figure eight.

The top half is the path to flow. The bottom half is the path to burnout. And they start in the same place: something feels off. You’ve got a crinkle in your forehead. Something’s not working.

If you go uncalibrated (the bottom path, in “by me” energy):

You react. You immediately judge. Something’s wrong. I’m behind. I didn’t do this right. I should have done it faster. There’s a story you tell yourself about what it means. And then you force your way through it. You push harder. You do more. You white-knuckle it, hoping that more effort will lead to a different outcome.

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. You stay in the same rut.

If you go calibrated (the top path, in “through me” energy):

Something feels off. You notice it. You don’t panic. You just get curious. What’s actually happening here? Not what’s wrong, but what’s really going on?

Then you do the inner work. And this is the part I used to skip entirely. You ask yourself: what do I actually need right now? What would help me most in this moment? What state do I want to be in?

And then, this is the revolutionary part, you choose that state. Intentionally. Not by forcing. By choosing.

Once you’re aligned internally, you take aligned action. Not frantic action. Not desperate action. Clear action. Helpful action. The action that actually solves the problem instead of just making you look busy.

Melinda says it this way: Choose your state first, then engage with the actions in front of you.

The lesson: Your circumstances aren’t the problem. Your approach to your circumstances is. And you can change your approach in seconds.

The Self-Care That Actually Works (And It’s Not a Massage)

Here’s where most people get lost. They hear “choose your state” and think, that’s lovely, but I don’t have time for meditation and bubble baths and all that stuff. I have a store to run.

I get it. I was there.

But self-care isn’t about manicures and massages though those are nice. Self-care is about choosing the state you show up in so you can actually show up as the person your business needs you to be.

For me, it looked like: asking my team for help instead of figuring it out alone. Taking five minutes with a cup of coffee before I opened the store instead of running in behind. Putting my phone away for 30 minutes. Saying no to one thing so I could say yes to rest.

Melinda has so many tools in her book for this, Post-it notes, rose quartz crystals, hand on your heart, specific breathing patterns. Different people need different things. Some of us are visual. Some of us need to touch something. Some of us need to embody it with our body.

The point is: you have to find what snaps you out of the “by me” rut fast enough that you can choose your way back into alignment.

But here’s the thing that shifted everything for me: I had to stop thinking of self-care as selfish. I had to reframe it as strategic.

You are your business’s greatest asset. If you’re running on fumes, your business runs on fumes. If you’re filled up, your business has access to more of you, more creativity, more energy, more presence, more solutions.

And this is what Melinda kept coming back to in her book: What are you more committed to? Success at all costs? Or sustainable success that doesn’t cost you your life?

The lesson: Self-care isn’t self-indulgent. It’s the only way to actually multiply what you’re building.

What I’m Still Learning (Progress, Not Perfection)

Melinda said something that made me laugh and also feel so seen: “You’re going to want this to happen overnight. You’re a high achiever. You want to arrive yesterday.”

Yeah. That’s me. That’s all of us.

But this work isn’t about perfection. It’s about getting faster at catching yourself. How quickly can I notice I’ve dropped into “by me”? How quickly can I ask for help, or take three intentional breaths, or remember what state I actually want to be in?

Some days I nail it. Some days I’m still in the snooze button, still checking emails during my shower, still trying to do everything.

But now I know it’s not a failure. It’s just data. It’s just the moment to recalibrate.

And the more you practice choosing your state, the more your brain begins to expect it. The more you flood your system with the good chemicals, the more your body learns to trust that you’re safe, that you’re okay, that there’s enough time and enough of you.

That’s when the real magic happens.

Why This Matters for Your Store

You didn’t open your store to burn out. You opened it to create something meaningful for your customers, for your team, for yourself.

You cannot build that if you’re exhausted. You cannot be the leader, the creator, the visionary your business needs if you’re running on fumes.

If you’re hitting your goals but losing the joy, that’s not the price of success. That’s an alarm.

And the good news? You can change this. Not overnight. But faster than you think. Because the tool isn’t out there in your processes or your systems. It’s here. In your state of being. In the choice you make, again and again, to align your inner world so your outer world can follow.

Your Millie Moment

This week, before you tell yourself you have to push harder:

Notice when you drop into “by me” mode. Where’s the crinkle in your forehead? What feels off?

Get curious instead of critical. Don’t judge yourself for being in it. Just ask: what’s really happening here? What do I actually need?

Find your tool. Is it a Post-it note? A crystal? Your hand on your heart? Five minutes with your dog? Find the thing that snaps you back into alignment fast.

Choose your state first. Before you force your way through the problem, choose how you want to feel. Choose the energy you want to bring. Choose “through me.”

Then take aligned action. From that state, do what needs to be done. Notice how it’s different.

You’re not failing by having to recalibrate. You’re learning to multiply.

Resources & Links 

💚 Remember: If the joy is draining out of the store you built, that’s not the price of success. That’s a signal. And signals are always there to help you recalibrate. You already know how to push. Now it’s time to learn how to flow.